I just had a major anxiety attack...

I was getting into the bathtub to soothe some stomach cramps, which have become a regular occurance, and I looked down at my body and froze...

My ribs are sticking out way farther than they were last week. I guess I just didn't notice because I've taken more showers than baths this week, but holy shit was I freaking out.

I don't know what to do with myself. I've incorporated a lot more food in my diet but I'm still losing weight.

I don't know if I am even going to go to the rest of my classes this semester. The stress is just making me worse.

I hope the cruise will help me relax. Maybe the food will fatten me up a little bit. One can only hope. As soon as our new insurance kicks in in July, I am heading straight to a hematologist and gastroenterologist to figure all this stuff out.

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Oh how I love you Vomit!

Not really. As a matter of fact I hate vomiting. But that is the activity god had planned for me today.

I stayed home from school despite having a presentation today. I just feel like shit.

This is depressing.

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Motivational problems....

I don't want to do my homework. I just don't want to do it. When I feel icky like this I just don't want to do anything, let alone homework. I need to finish this semester with passing grades though. (passing for me = C's) Today I just need to force myself to buckle down and get things done even though I feel like shit and will have to take a million trips to the bathroom. Doing homework is soooo difficult when your constantly being interrupted by needing to go to the bathroom urgently. *sigh*

Today I've gotten a few things done. I have cleaned the living room and vacuumed it. Next I'm going to clean the catboxes (they smellyyyyy) and clean the bathroom.

Going to make another batch of hard boiled eggs today. They should serve as brain food for dead week. I'm probably not going to make anything food wise tomorrow because I'll be in class all day long. I should think of a goal for Wednesday though...Hmmmm maybe Tilapia or maybe Shrimp Tacos. Maybe I'll try to make gluten free banana muffins. Well I'll keep ya posted.

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So I'm a little obsessed with Julia Child...

Oh geeze two entries in one day...Oh well!

I'm probably one very few who cries at the end of the movie Julie and Julia everytime I see it, but I don't care.

I feel connected to both of them.

I feel connected to Julia because of her extreme height (a characteristic we both share), her short husband (got one of those too!) who she loved dearly, and her love of cooking. Sometimes I fantasize about going to France and attending the REAL Le Cordon Blue, but I don't think Dave would want to pick up and move to France with me. lol.

And Julie. I feel connected to her because she felt like her life was going nowhere. She never would finish what she started (so GUILTY here!), and she felt like she had ADD!

So lately I've been thinking of doing a little project of my own cooking wise. Yesterday, I successfully poached 3 eggs for the first time, and today I hard boiled eggs successfully for the first time as well. I don't think I'm going to do anything crazy like cook through The Art of French Cooking in a year, but I'm definitely going to try to do things that I've never done before and maybe some things that scare me.

Who knows, maybe I'll de-bone a duck! lol. Probably not.

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And the Bitching begins...

I think that it is true that people bitch too much on their blogs. But seriously, isn't it a better outlet than actually being bitchy in person? I feel that when I bitch on a blog it releases some inner anguish. I don't expect people to read this shit. And if you do read it, kudos to you for putting up with my messed up bullshit. :)

With that out of the way:

I have another problem: My wisdom teeth are coming in. And today, they are showing me no mercy. I have a huge headache and my gums and throat are swollen beyond belief. I have never in my life, even when I had strep throat, had a sore throat as bad as this. It is uber lame beyond belief.

As for my mood lately:

I've been really down lately. I think part of it has to do with my rejections from Kennesaw, and part of it has to do with me being so sick all the time. Sometimes the water works just start out of the middle of nowhere. And me being down is totally not helping my gut problem. I feel that when there are days that I'm really depressed I go more frequently.

UPDATE: Dave has just brought me Chloraseptic throat lozenges and spray! Yayyy! He's a good husband.

Today I'm proabably going to do some cleaning, practice my clarinet, and do a shit ton of homework to get my mind off of things. The semester is almost over, which is good because I won't be dealing with school BS for the summer.

Food goal:
I will make hard boiled eggs today. I mayy turn some of them into deviled eggs. I haven't decided yet. LOL it seems I'm on an egg kick lately. I've been eating them a lot because they don't seem to agitate me as much as other proteins.

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Blarg....

So ummm yeah... I haven't blogged since I had a xanga. I thought about going back to xanga to start up blogging again, but I feel I have grown so much since then that I am a completely different person with a lot of different interests. I miss you xanga, but you are no longer for me.

With that said, I am 21 years old. I might have Crohn's disease. I have also not made it back into music school as planned.

Here are some reasons why:
1. I dropped out of school my first year. (It was the wrong school for me)
2. I got married. (Best decision I've ever made, BTW)
3. I worked for a year before going back to a community college. (Ivy Tech)
4. I applied to music school in GA (where we will be moving) but was rejected
5. Not only was I rejected to music school, but I was rejected to the university as well. Despite the fact that I had good grades last semester. (Dean's list FTW!)

So now what do I do:

Well I'm definitely going to keep playing my clarinet. As for everything else, I have no friggin clue. I really wish I knew someone in the same situation as me. That would make things easier.

Some thoughts of mine at the moment:

1. I could get employed by a vet office and maybe become a vet assistant through a community college program. ( something I've been thinking about for a while)
2. I could go to a community college that has a music associates degree. (probably my most realistic option)
3. I could take online classes and get well. (more on that later)
4. I could take a break from academia and go to culinary school. (if affordable)

As for my health right now....It's kinda not good, better, but not good.

Here's why:
1. I have chronic (but functional) diarrhea/loose stools everyday. About 3-5 times a day.
2. I have blood an mucus in my stool.
3. My weight has been dropping.
4. I am anemic
5. My doctor says I may have Crohn's disease.

On a positive note:

I successfully poached eggs today. Thank you Julia Child!

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